


dear life, am I doing this right?

by IHaveNiamFeels



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, I'm Sorry, Lots of Crying, M/M, Miscarriages, Mpreg, Narry if you squint, Suicide thoughts, louis loves liam a lot, mention of obing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-01
Updated: 2016-06-01
Packaged: 2018-07-11 14:24:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7056181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IHaveNiamFeels/pseuds/IHaveNiamFeels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam Payne can have children, but somehow he has to lose three before he can get one. </p><p>or the one where</p><p>Louis and Liam go through the highs and lows before they finally get what they were wishing for, a baby.</p>
            </blockquote>





	dear life, am I doing this right?

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING - miscarriage, oding, suicide thoughts.

Liam had grown up as the boy who knew he was gay from the age of ten. He was feminine, petite and was bodied and minded like a girl. Growing up he took the everyday struggle from his fellow peers and the older generations who thought that he was wrong to be who he was. Liam wanted to prove them all wrong.

Liam at the age of fifteen went through a horrendous hit, he was admitted to hospital with the speculation that his kidneys had finally given up on him again. At fifteen he felt failed by his own body. At sixteen it was discovered that Liam was one of the 5% of boys out of the world population that had been born with a female reproductive system. Liam had a womb and ovaries, whilst he still had a penis.

Liam went about his life, telling as little people as he possibly could. He wasn't going to gloat about what he was and what he could do without proper protection, he didn't want somebody to take advance of his special features and treat him like an experiment. He just wanted to be seen as a normal person. Liam stayed tight lipped about his perfect feature.

Liam didn't tell any of his partner’s until he met the love of his life. A gorgeous brunette with blue eyes and the personality that people could easily find a bit offence, who was also slightly mad, but treated Liam like he was the best thing to walk the earth; Louis Tomlinson.

Liam felt like a whole weight had been lifted of his shoulders when he told Louis. He told the brunette on their honeymoon after they'd taken an eleven hour flight across to Dubai and made love multiple times, barely seeing the sun once. Louis never treated Liam any different, didn't hold him any less or gloat about what he had, he treated Liam like any normal person would and Liam was delighted, he felt utterly blessed to have found somebody who wasn’t going to see Liam as anything different.

Liam had noticed two years into their marriage that Louis was not so subtly trying to tell him he wanted a baby, if he wasn't making baby jokes he would purposely take Liam into baby boutiques or leave pictures and websites open on his laptop, but the one that stood out most to Liam was the constant touching of his belly. Louis had become overly fond of touching Liam’s stomach on a daily basis and Liam knew what Louis wanted.

Liam was twenty six when they started ‘officially’ trying for a baby. Liam knew his best days to try and his worst days and it took four months for Liam to finally start getting the symptoms of somebody who was pregnant. Liam was pregnant quite contently for three months before it all turned south very quickly, he remembered the blood, the crimson red blaring at him on the white bed sheets as he felt like his insides had exploded. He found out at eleven o’clock that evening that he had miscarried and it tore up his heart.

Louis was left to pick up the pieces, the blue eyed lad had watched his husband go from being the brightest person to the dullest. He watched the smile being ripped from Liam’s face in the span of an hour, he felt his own heart being crushed easily.

They waited four months before they started trying again, Liam was in a better place at this point, back at work and going about his life quite simply like before. Louis was also back at work, quite content as he watched his husband regain his glow again. This pregnancy felt different to the both of them. Better.

At twenty eight weeks Liam was told their baby no longer had a heartbeat and he would have to undergo surgery to have their passed daughter removed. Louis on this day watched his husband lose himself completely, the crying wasn't stopping, his hands hadn't stopped trembling, the eating stilled and Louis rarely ever saw Liam out of bed.

Louis hadn’t heard Liam say a word until the night before Liam’s surgery. They were curled up in bed, Louis stroking Liam’s hair and pressing sweet kisses against his forehead. For Louis, he felt like it was the best he could do at this point. “I think - I think we should give her a name.” Liam admitted, his eyes already wet as he adverted his sad glance up at Louis, who was mirroring mirroring Liam’s facial.

“I think that's a wonderful idea sweetheart.” Louis said earnestly, drawing a pattern down Liam’s hip until his palm came to an uneasily rest on the swell in Liam’s skin. “what do you have in mind?”

“I like Isabelle Lillian” Liam replied, Louis could tell he was about to burst into tears at any moment, he could also feel his own eyes getting a bit wet.

“I really like that. Suits her” Louis replied with a shakily nod of his head. He could feel Liam’s wet tears soaking into the front of his sleep shirt as he ran his fingers along the stilled bump, his nose pressing into the edge of Liam’s hair as he sadly blinked his eyes a few times, he would cry later when he knew Liam was asleep.

\---

They had a burial a week after the birth of their little girl. Liam held her for an hour straight before the nurses finally had to pry her away. She was the smallest thing Louis had ever seen, barely the size of his palm.

They cremated her by the pure water on the green grass on a sunny day whilst the butterflies and birds danced around them. Liam cried the whole time and Louis was so broken hearted he shredded tears all the way back to the car until he managed to compose himself enough to drive home.

\--  
Liam had taken them both to a fertility clinic to be checked and they had been given the all clear two days later. Louis had all the right swimmers and Liam had the right amount of eggs for his age. His body was in perfect working order.

They got lazy, trying whenever they got the chance between their busy work schedules. Liam found out three days after his birthday and was quite delighted, but also very anxious at the same time. But he fell back into his normal routine as easy as he could. He ate healthy, maintained his fitness by walking their two dogs and stayed as positive as he could.

He lost the baby two days later and he hadn't even told Louis yet.

\---  
Liam had only gone down hill from that exact moment. Louis had watched him fade away until he wasn’t even sure Liam was all there anymore. He was forced to watch his husband slip away whilst his friends and family paraded their children in their faces.

Louis knew what it felt like to want something so much it hurt, he was watching Liam experience it now whilst his heart tried to figure out what he wanted more. No children and a husband, or no husband but the chance of having children. He chose Liam.

Watching somebody you love fall apart in front of your eyes is one of the hardest things Louis had ever watched in his life. Liam had become a shell, hallowed deep. He had lost the glint in his eyes, he had no want in him anymore to eat. He was wearing clothes that hung off his shoulders and he had tear stains burnt permanently into his skin.

Louis had tried a lot of things, trying to be reasonable and giving Liam other options was his toughest fight. But Liam had long forgotten what it felt like to be reasonable anymore.

Louis had watched Liam turn off children quicker than he had ever turned off anything else. He would refuse to hold them, turning his entire body away from toddlers, he'd refuse to cradle a baby by passing them off to Louis and removing himself from the room completely. Louis knew what Liam was trying to do, he was trying to stop himself from falling completely in love with something he’d already lost the faith in.

Their fighting had gotten worse, Louis felt like a broken record, yelling at a body who wasn't even registering his existence. “Liam, can you look at me for a minute, fucking look at me.” Louis cried, his hands were already cupping Liam’s jaw gently.

“nothing you say is going to help Louis, if anything it makes me feel worse. Please, I'd rather sit here in my own peace then listen to you fight an endless battle you aren't going to win.”

“you don't think I'm fucking hurting as well? You know what Liam? I'm done trying with you. You sit here and blame me the whole entire time ‘Louis did this, Louis did that, Louis is the worse bloody person in the world, why do I bother with him?’ why do I bother with you then Liam? Why do I rub your back whilst you cry? Why do I try and force feed you everyday? Why did I give up my job for you? If I'm just a bother to you? Why did you marry me?” Louis asked, his hands fisting at his eyes as he sat on his ankles.

“I'm not me anymore Louis.”

“you don't fucking say, I'm sad about this too, but I haven't pushed away what little positivity I have left because I'm dealing with grief. We all grieve different, I get that. But please stop pushing me away, stop treating me like I purposely went out of my way to do this to you. Because I didn't.”

“that's not what I'm trying to do Louis, I love you.” Liam tried, eyes wet as Louis dropped his head against the carpet.

“prove it. Because as much as I love you, I am not going to break anything more for you. Because I'm nothing but a bloody bother.” Louis flared, he gathered up his car keys and wallet and before he even had a chance to think, he was driving down the highway in the dark.

When Louis came home, Liam was sitting on the foot of their bed with his hands wrapped up in the smallest football jersey one could find, his eyes staring wetly off outside. Louis placed his jacket on the hook as he stood in the bedroom doorway. It honestly was the hardest thing he'd ever been through.

He placed his car keys and wallet down onto the nightstand and climbed onto the bed to wrap his arms around Liam’s waist gently, his nose pressed against Liam’s collarbone. “I love you too sweetheart, I'm sorry.”

Liam fell back against Louis’ chest, rotating his body enough that his hands and the jersey had folded into Louis’ shirt. His dry sobbing audible even against Louis’ clothes. “I'm sorry too Lou.”

\---  
Louis thought things had gotten better, he went back to coaching his football team and managing his own personal lawyer firm business and Liam was back doing his graphics under Louis careful eye. It wasn't until Louis came home to Liam sitting on their bed, back towards the door and a bottle of pills sitting on their vanity that Louis realized things weren't as good as they seemed.

Liam was clutching a baby blanket, kneading it in his fingers as he stared off at the bottle. Louis could tell they were the ones from their medicine cabinet. The antidepressants Liam had been taking for a week now. The ones Louis had been hiding because he feared this exact thing.

“w-what are you doing?” Louis asked, his face was already saturated in a flood of tears, body heaving where he stood. Liam knocked the pills onto the carpet in his quick attempt to hide them, sending them scattering across the floor quickly.

Liam had turned around by the time Louis had grabbed their ensuite door and fell onto the floor in his own hysterical pool of tears. This was the breaking point for Louis. He was completely shot to pieces.

As Liam rounded the bed, Louis held his hand up, shaking his head as he cried into their carpet (it had become a common thing for him nowadays.) “I'm done Liam, I'm not coming back from this. I can't unsee what I just saw. I can't open my eyes and pretend it wasn't about to happen because it fucking was!” Louis cried, punching the floor sadly “you think killing yourself is going to take the bloody pain away? Try it. See what it does to everybody else around you. All the people who don’t know you because you had two bloody miscarriag-”

“it was thre-”

“it doesn't fucking matter how many it is. Because I didn't marry you because you could have kids, heck. I didn't bloody know until four days after. I didn't stop loving you because we lost them. I haven't stopped bloody loving you now when you constantly push everybody away because you think you've done something wrong.”

“but I ha-”

“shit happens Liam, people have miscarriages everyday, yes they fucking hurt, yes we would rather have them instead of not but it fucking happens. We are one of the many couples who have been forced to deal with this heartache and I'm not about to sit here and let this bloody thing take you away because you beat yourself up about it everyday. I don't love you any less, if anything I love you a whole lot more. You are bloody brilliant to have dealt with this, don't let it swallow you up now. You're twenty seven years old, you have so many more years to try again. We can try again.”

Liam was trying to stop himself from crying as he sat down beside Louis and leaned in against his shoulder. Louis wrapped his arms around his body and pulled him in close, pressing sad wet kisses into his hair.

“I know what goes through your head, you think you aren't good enough, you think this is unfair. It is unfair, but it isn't your fault any less than it is mine. You think you don't deserve a baby, but fuck. You bloody do, you bloody fucking do. You think I'm better off without you. Wrong, I'm nothing without you, baby or no baby, I'm always going to need a bit of Liam in my life.” Louis cried, his eyes trying to still the falling tears as they fell down his red face. “you aren't any different to the Liam I fell in love with that day at football, don't bloody let him get away.”

\----  
Therapy. They both started attending twice a week, Louis had even found Liam a support group for miscarried parents. Liam went every Thursday night after playing football with Louis at the park and he was loving it. He would even drag Louis with him sometimes.

They continued on like this for seven months before Louis bundled Liam up on a plane and they flew off to Hawaii. Liam was so much better, his personality was back, he didn't ignore Louis anymore, it was nothing but love being folded back together.

Hawaii was one of their favourite places. They owned their own holiday home in the rainforest and Louis was almost certain he could live there forever. Just cooped up in their one bedroom unit with each other all day felt like the most perfect idea.

Watching Liam wandering so freely again was a proud moment for Louis. He had never thought he would be grinning so bloody fondly because his husband was squealing in delight at an array of candy, but here he was grinning like a fool in the middle of a candy store in Hawaii.

The sex was amazing, Louis had forgotten what it felt like. But apparently Hawaii had bought his sex appeal back or maybe it was the tan. Louis hadn't put a time on when they'd go back home, he wasn't even sure if he was ready to fall back into his routine. He was happy to leave Harry and Niall in charge and live in Hawaii forever.

\---  
The pair stayed their for another four months, before Liam got ill and was put in quarantine at the airport, being refused access back home until they had made sure he wasn’t carrying a disease back with him into the U.K.

Louis had to sit through blood test and saliva swabs for a totally of three weeks before they gave Liam the all clear to fly safely back into England. The two hadn’t been told of Liam’s diagnosis until they visited their local G.P in Surrey.

Liam was eight weeks pregnant.

Liam suffered from a hysterical panic attack that same evening, heaving into the fabric of Louis’ t-shirt. Louis knew why Liam felt the way he did, this was going to be their fourth baby and Louis didn’t think he could watch Liam go through another miscarriage again. Louis himself wasn’t even sure he was prepared enough to go through it all again.

He ran his fingers through Liam’s hair gently and pressed kisses against his temple until Liam calmed enough to lull off to sleep. Louis was definitely panicking too, he could feel his eyes swelling up as he thought over the events of the past year. This was going to be a nightmare if it happened again.

Liam got better once Louis convinced him that they could only do what they could do, go one step at a time. The symptoms were bad, Liam spending most of his day in the bathroom heaving sadly whilst Louis forced electrolytes into everything he drank.

They made the tough decision to not tell anybody until they definitely knew the outcome. So when Liam made it past twelve weeks and had been deemed in the safe zone, the only people they told was their families and Harry and Niall, everybody else just thought Liam had a virus he caught in Hawaii.

Keeping it a secret was a struggle on Louis’ part, walking past shops with baby clothes neatly folded or hanging on racks made Louis so tempted to just go for broke and by everything he could. Even though they already had three boxes full in their never finished nursery.

Louis had also noticed how clucky Liam was, people had been telling him to give Liam a baby for a whole month, because he was at the point where any baby, stranger or relative was going to be cooed and fonded over by Liam. He would cuddle them against his chest and press his nose against their foreheads, his eyes crinkling so genuinely.

Soon enough Louis had Liam staying at home all the time, as his bump was big enough for people to know he was expecting and Liam didn't seem to mind that Louis was keep him in. He stayed at home working online until he got too tired or cooped up, sleeping or cleaning until Louis got home.

Seeing Liam so genuinely happy made Louis have mixed emotions, he was delighted as well as bloody frightened because he'd seen his husband all but die right in front of him three times in a row. He wasn't ready to see it again.

At every scan the doctors told the pair that their baby was growing healthy and happily. Each time they would both hold their breath until Liam would be crying into Louis’ shirt about how happy he was.

Louis made the decision to finish the nursery, painting it a pale cream with a pastel brown outline around the walls, teddy bears and zoo animals in different areas of the room. A huge empty picture frame for all their future pictures. Wood grain change table and crib. Little booties on the door and an area for them to hang their baby’s name.

Liam cried when he saw it, his hands curling around the small swell of his belly as he leaned into Louis and peppered his face in loving kisses “I love it. I love you. Thank you Lou.” Liam grinned, pressing a happy kiss against his cheek, before sitting down in the wooden rocking chair by the bookshelf.

Both their families (including Harry and Niall of course) threw Liam a mini baby shower, they all bought him cute little gifts and huge cards with all their name suggestions for their special miracle baby.

Liam was at thirty two weeks when he woke up to a pain in his belly and the familiar red stain on their bed sheets and he started hysterically crying and shouting immediately. Louis startling awake and all but falling face first into Liam’s elbow as he stared at the blood “fuck Li.”

Getting Liam to hospital in such a state was Louis’ hardest challenge because Liam sat and fought with himself the whole way there, blaming himself for the lose of their child. Again.

Walking into the emergency ultrasound room felt so daunting and gut wrenching to them both. The nurse had given Liam a packet of tissues so he could wipe his face and nose. He laid down on the bed and ran his fingers along his penetrating bump, his eyes welling up with tears again.

Holding onto that last glimpse of hope, Louis sat and wrapped his hands together around Liam’s, pressing the younger lads fingers against his lips to kiss them softly “relax Liam. Relax sweetheart.”

The doctor who came in, doctor Williams gave them the sad sympathetic smile as she grabbed the machine and quickly glanced over Liam’s notes. Applying some cold gel, she pressed down the wand and pushed it around Liam’s belly for a moment.

“there is the baby’s… heartbeat” she said suddenly, Liam was crying all over again as she swiveled the wand and pointed at the screen. Their baby was moving their little hand, mouth open on the monitor “your baby is perfectly fine.”

“what about the bleeding?” Louis asked, his grip on Liam’s hand had tightened as he nuzzled into their palms.

“it's sometimes common, discharge. The pain Liam described sounded quite a lot like Braxton hicks. What you had was very normal.”

\---  
Louis didn't know why, but he had been quite emotional ever since. Most days he would just be watching Liam padding around their home with one of his arms curled under his large bump, other times he was watching him sleep, it didn't matter what it was because he would be overly emotional about it anyway.

Liam was very anxious, body quite tense whenever he felt uncomfortable pain in his abdomen. Louis had seen the fear in Liam’s face a handful of times, but so far they'd been okay. Taking it a day at a time.

Feeling their baby move was the most perfect thing they could experience and whenever Liam felt slightly unsure their baby would toss a kick, Louis was almost certain the baby was letting them know that they were alright.

They had gotten so far and Liam was definitely glowing, so when Liam went over his due date and had an outright panic about it, Louis just bundled him up fondly and pressed kisses into his hair. Because this was bloody good, to Louis it was anyway.

Two weeks later and Liam had been induced and sent home, his braxton hicks had gotten quite bad, stomach burning for a good fifteen minutes before it eased and doesn't come back again until the next day. But the past two days Liam had been experiencing the pain quite a lot, about four hours apart. He took himself to the doctors and was told he was finally in healthy active labor.

It took another two days before Louis found Liam cowering in the kitchen, panting heavily with his knuckles white against the countertop he was holding onto with dear life. “Li, you okay?” Louis asked.

“no, the pain is bad. It's really bad” Liam admitted. Louis carefully pried Liam’s fingers off the counter and took them into his own.

Louis sat Liam down on the couch whilst he quickly packed the car. Liam had apparently decided to take their whole entire house with them to the hospital. Once Louis was certain he had everything, he helped Liam into the car and did up his seat belt.

Liam had two contractions within the half an hour drive to the hospital. Louis was so frightened, he was so scared things could still go wrong and they could, they could go horrendously wrong from here.

Liam was taken straight into a maternity room. Louis helped him getting changed into one of the cardboard like hospital gowns and then onto the firm bed. A nurse who introduced herself as Hannah, propped Liam’s legs up and checked his dilation, he was a good five centimetres. She patted his knee as she pulled the blanket back down and undid a few buttons on the gown. She placed a monitoring device around Liam’s lower abdomen and switched it on.

“this monitors your baby’s heartbeat as well as how far apart your contractions are. Before I pop out for a second, may I ask if you will be receiving the epidural this evening?”

Liam nodded quickly, burying his head back into his own pillows as Louis untwisted the blanket. “yes.” Louis answered, giving her a polite smile as he sat down in the recliner chair.

“alright, I'll send a doctor in shortly.” She said before she clicked the door closed. Louis held Liam’s tightly, lips pressing against Liam's forehead. He was extremely nervous.

Liam whined through his next contraction, eyes tightly pressed closed as he tossed his head back into his pillow. There was sweat beads on his forehead, biceps tensing and untensing in sync with his belly muscles.

The nurse reappeared ten minutes later, just in time for Liam’s water to naturally break, soaking his bed sheets, tiled floor and the bottom of his cardboard hospital gown. Hannah grabbed one of the white towels out of the cabinet and placed it under Liam’s legs. She shuffled the blankets back and checked his dilation. “you're at a seven. I'll grab the doctor and get the epidural for you, once we have that all ready to go, we'll get you comfortable for the hardest part. Alright Liam?” she asked, earning a quick nod as Louis wiped a damn towelette across his forehead.

It took the doctor no more than three minutes to get the epidural into the skin in the middle of Liam’s back. It took ten minutes for it to start working and soon Liam was laying quietly in the birthing bed, knees bent and resting against the rails as he stared tiredly at Louis’ complexed face. “Lou, this is it for us, this could make or break us.” Liam quietly said and he wasn't lying.

It took another hour before Liam could feel a sudden, heavy weight pushing down between his legs and he abruptly sat up. Louis pressed the ‘nurse call’ button stationed on the remote by the wall whilst he pocketed his phone and tried to settle the nervous bouncing of his legs.

Three nurses and Hannah came wandering into the room not long after, gloves already on as Liam laid his head back and gripped extremely tightly on Louis’ hand. “alright Liam, on the next contraction I want you to give us a nice big push, you need to push right down into your bum. Take a big deep breath and whilst you push, we’ll count to ten. Okay?” she instructed, the couple nodded.

Liam followed the nurses exact instructions, red in the face as he pushed down, eyes closed and legs nearly pressed against his chest. He relaxed easily once he'd pushed for ten seconds.

Liam repeated these same steps for a good hour. Louis had tears glistening in his eyes as he gave Liam’s hand a firm squeeze. Liam was exhausted, Louis could tell the sweat pooling around the collar of Liam’s hot gown and his fringe completely stuck against his forehead.

Liam gave one final and harsh push and he whole body was collapsing into the sweat soaked sheets. A loud audible cried filled the small room. The kicking and flailing of little arms and legs as the baby was placed on Liam’s chest and Louis in all his teary haze, somehow managed to cut the cord.

Liam was wailing, hysterical tears seeping out of his eyes and down his hot cheeks as he all but scooped the baby up into his arms. “it's a boy. Congratulations guys.” Hannah grinned warmly, giving Liam a minute before she gently removed him from his arms. “just got to weigh him and all real quick. You'll have him back in a second. Promise.”

Liam stared at Louis with watery eyes, his hands were trembling under Louis’ skin “he-he’s okay” Liam stuttered.

“he's okay” Louis nodded, his own eyes wet from his hiccuped crying. He leaned in against Liam and smiled breathlessly. “he's okay.”

Once Liam had their baby boy wrapped up in his arms he completely melted, tears starting all over again as he curled their son against his chest happily. “look at you, you look like your Papa.” Liam said through his watery eyes “thank you.” Liam whispered, averting his eyes up to Louis’ “for being patient. With me, with us, thank you for not giving up on any of this. Thank you Lou.”

“you don't need to thank me Li, you and I both deserved this, I love you and I knew we'd get a baby, even if it wasn't the way we wanted it. We'd get a baby.” Louis assured, Liam nodded tearfully, staring fondly down at their little boy.

“I love him Lou, I love him so much.” Liam cried wetly. Pressing a long kiss to their son’s forehead.

“I love him too. Shall we name him?” Louis asked, lightly brushing his fingers by Liam’s elbow.

“do you still like the name Levi?” Liam asked “because I think he looks like a Levi.”

“I agree, I think he looks like a little Levi as well.” Louis smiled agreeingly.

“you pick his middle name.” Liam replied, running his thumb gently against Levi’s tiny forehead gently.

“how about Reagan?” Louis asked.

“I think it sounds perfect. Levi Reagan Tomlinson - Payne” Liam grinned. He leant over the railing and pecked Louis’ lips. “he's really gorgeous, isn't he.”

\---  
The pair didn't share the news until the next morning, when Liam and their newborn son had been transferred to the maternity overnight ward.

Louis took a whole bunch of pictures, he took a lot of photos of Liam and Levi all cuddled up together, so angelic and natural. Louis was certain that Liam was a born pro at this parenting skill.

Louis texted both their families as well as Niall and Harry, before he opened his facebook app and added roughly seventeen photos to his post.

_‘yesterday at eleven fifteen in the breezy afternoon we welcomed our precious son Levi Reagan into this world. We welcomed him with anxious sweating and hopeful tears. We had him into this world with barely anybody knowing Liam was pregnant at all._

_These past few years have been a physical and mental rollercoaster for the two of us. As some of you may already know we lost our gorgeous daughter Isabelle Lillian at twenty eight weeks. We also had two other miscarriages as well and with the want for a baby and losing hope, we both forgot what it felt like to love one another. I myself, watched my once bubbly and lively husband fall apart in front of my eyes. I nearly lost Liam to his own endless battle with emotions and guilt._

_I tried so hard to be the bigger person and I seeked us both a good fresh start. We pretend like things hadn't happened the way they did, we went about our lives as normally as we possibly could and here we are with a precious baby boy, the happiest we have ever been since we found each other._

_Both Levi and Liam are very healthy and happy. xxx’_

Louis followed up that post with another one, with just a singular picture of Levi asleep in his crib.

_“Levi Reagan Tomlinson - Payne, born at eleven fifteen on the first of April weighing 7 pound 9 lbs. Welcome to the world little guy, daddy and papa love you. xx’_

Louis loved the feeling of having their precious son curled up in his arms, with his perfect features and content expressions. Watching how fond Liam is when he wakes from his nap, is a gorgeous view as well. Louis was overwhelmed and so goddamn happy all at the same time.

Louis was almost certain Liam was the most attractive father he'd ever seen. He wasn't even sure how it was possible, but he somehow managed to fall in love with Liam all that much more. He found himself with crinkled eyes and a fond smile, just admiring Levi and Liam together. It was a heartwarming feeling.

Taking their son home was a great day for the pair, Liam wore loose fitting tracksuit pants, a loose hoodie and beige ugg boots, he looked somewhat adorable as he carefully buckled Levi’s car carrier into place and climbed into the backseat beside him.

Liam was still quite fatigued and Louis made sure he took a few extra weeks off work, because Liam was sleeping a decent amount of time during the day whilst Louis maintained with keeping the house mildly in some form of order.

That afternoon Liam found himself standing at the top of the stairs staring at Louis so admirably as he sat on the couch, talking to Levi about his life ambitions, goals and personal achievements. Levi had his little fist clutched around Louis’ pinky finger a long trail of drool drizzling out of his mouth.

Liam found himself sitting in the bathroom holding his mobile with his facebook app open, a status waiting to be written as he stared at his screen.

_‘I never do these because honestly, nobody will ever be able to appreciate him the way I do as much as I do. But there is a first for everything and here it is. An appreciation post for my darling Louis._

_There is so much he deserves to be appreciated for but I just want to point out a few. But where do I start with him? I appreciate him for so bloody much._

_Louis has physically and emotionally been the strongest person I've ever met in my life. I've never seen somebody handle something like what we have so willingly without a defeated fight. Whilst everybody around us watched me complete fall to pieces, Louis soldiered on like the true trooper he is. He cried, of course he cried, but he never had a negative thing to say. He easily justified why these things happened to us, proved things to me that others could never do and I appreciate him deeply for this._

_Louis, he doesn't look at things wrongly, everything has a positive outcome to it, somehow losing three children to unfortunate circumstances can still be a positive thing in Louis’ eyes. He can turn something so heartbreaking into something so angelic and light._

_Being able to fix somebody who is adamant they are ruined is an impossible task, but Louis never gave up the fight and here we are, fixed, happy and positive and I give it all to Louis, I thank him dearly and deeply for what he's done for me and for what he will do for his family in the future. I appreciate him now and I will appreciate him deep into our future._

_Lou, love. I love you, I love what you have done for me and I appreciate everything you do, never stop being who you are and continue to find positivity in everything we do, even more so now with our gorgeous son Levi, you're a perfect father, a perfect husband and my most perfect and gorgeous best friend. I love you sweetheart xx_

_Much love._  
_Yours, Liam x_  
_-with Louis Tomlinson - Payne’_

He posted a picture of himself with his eyes closed, arms curled around Louis face with his lips pressed to his temple. Louis is grinning, eyes crinkled so natural and flawlessly at the edges, it had always been one of Liam's most favourite pictures.

He wandered downstairs afterwards, leaning over the couch and pressing his face into the crook of Louis’ neck. He could feel the tears welling deep in his eyes as he breathed, taking Louis’ hand in his own and giving it a firm squeeze.

“why are you crying love?” Louis asked, upon feeling the wetness on his naked collarbone, his eyes fluttering with concern.

“I'm so grateful to have you, I'm so lucky to be given somebody like you and I just - all I can say is, thank you for the patience, the time the effort and the never ending pool of love. Thank you for everything Louis, I just need to say thank you.” Liam breathed, giving Louis’ hand a squeeze again “thank you for Levi.”

“you don't need to thank me for all those things, I did them because I love you and I know if the roles were reversed you'd do the same for me love.” Louis assured, pressing his lips to Liam’s hairline.

“I love you”

“I know, we love you too.”

 _‘we’_ Liam thought. There is actually a _‘we’_ and Liam was so damn blessed. He had everything he deserved and more. He had _‘his’_ boys.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this mini fic as much as I did writing it!
> 
> kudos and comments are much appreciated. 
> 
> much love x
> 
> -KahliaPayne


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